: the quality of being confident and unafraid of danger or punishment especially in a way that seems rude or foolish
I used this word a few days ago, then had to go look it up to make sure I was using it correctly. It didn't sound right. I heard "timid" within it. So how could it mean bold? But it does.
But there is that little qualifier at the end, the part about your boldness taking you to the point of being rude or foolish. It is when boldness goes wrong, takes things a step too far.
I've been working on being bolder. On saying things aloud that I am inclined to keep to myself. On stepping out and counting on things to work out. It is part of why I chose the word AFFIRM as my one word this year. The process of standing on God's promises is just that... a process. To trust Him to affirm His promises in my life is not something I'm comfortable with. I'd rather be His PR person, running interference just in case He doesn't show up. I wouldn't want his reputation damaged in the process, so better to keep quiet and tell the story later... after He has shown up and done what He said. That story is safer, more manageable.
So why does it make me feel like a coward who is only living half a life?
It's temerity, it turns out, I live in fear of. I don't want to be so confident and unafraid that I become foolish. I am so afraid of veering in the wrong direction that I take no direction at all, standing motionless as I wait on God to move on my behalf. I am not sure this is right, and yet, more often than not, I find myself back in paralysis mode.
It has been this way of late, as His promises have seemed long in coming. I want to be bold but I am afraid. I want to be confident but I am cautious. I want to speak up but I am silent. Temerity, in this case, looks like a welcome relief-- action as opposed to paralysis. Dangerous and risky, yes. But at least I'd be doing something, changing something. Instead I stand silent, secretly admiring the temeritous among us, giving them a standing ovation inside my frightened, frozen heart.