Some people have asked about Curt's job loss. Which led me to think about what I should say to you about it... about where we're at. So I decided to be real with this post, for better or worse. Brace yourself, it's about to get worse.
I have been saying all the right things for nearly two months:
God is in control.
God is sovereign.
He wasn't surprised by Curt's layoff.
We just need to trust, have childlike faith.
God is never late but rarely early.
I know all the right answers and I say all the right things. So does Curt. And people have written to both Curt and me confirming that our niceties have been helpful. And yet...
Sometimes all the spiritual thoughts in the world don't help. Sometimes you find yourself forgetting all about the nice, happy thoughts you've been telling other people. You get tired of saying all the right things. And you just want to say:
We're getting down to the wire.
This job loss thing isn't fun anymore.
This "little trial" we are going through is turning into a big problem.
I am starting to think that this isn't going to end well.
I am realizing that I had a certain kind of life... and that life ended on December 17th. It makes me nostalgic for what we had, like when I used to feel homesick at summer camp.
So that's where I am at right now-- feeling kind of hopeless. We've watched opportunities come and go. We need more information, but we can't get it. We wait on phone calls that never come, on people to do things they say they will do... and then forget. Our life feels controlled by outside forces. I want to be the one in control.
I have spent time telling other people not to think too far ahead, to take their manna for that day and trust God with the future. I have encouraged them to hang onto promises that now seem flimsy when I have to say them to myself. I want answers. I want something real to hang onto. I want what I once had, but that's not available to me anymore.
In short, I am struggling, and Curt is too. That's where we are. That's the honest truth. I know there are those of you who get this... because you've written to tell us that you are familiar with the rollercoaster-- you know the dips and drops that are part of this ride. Lest you think we are all sitting around here at the Whalen house singing Kumbayah and feeling positive all the time... I just wanted to set the record straight. It's tough, and with each passing day it feels a little tougher.
I won't even end this post on some positive platitude. Because I am fresh out. And that's the truth. I tried to warn you...
ETA: Wow. Thanks to all of you who have commented, emailed, messaged me on Facebook or commented over there. I am blown away by your promises to pray and your affirmation that this wasn't too real for you. It's good to know I can be real and you all will still love me. :)