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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

All The Faith I Have


I am not going to lie, life has felt pretty awful lately. (How's that for a first line after a month of silence?)

As I ran yesterday, I told God how I felt about it-- how it just all feels like too much. It took until this morning until I heard back from Him. He reminded me that in this world I will have trouble. So I asked, "But this much? Really?"

I'll let you know what I hear back. But I suspect I already know the answer.

Yes, this much. This terrible, awful, brutal, unfair world we live in... isn't going to change. Things are going to keep breaking and cost money, and people we love are going to leave us-- by their choice, or not-- and disease is going to be rampant, and time is going to keep whizzing by, and it's going to rain on days we need it to be sunny, and we're going to hear no when we want to hear yes, and there are going to be boring meetings to sit through, and whiny children, and there is never, ever going to be enough money.

The past few weeks have felt especially terrible to me. Maybe it's because summer is ending and that always makes me inordinately sad. Maybe it's because I've had a string of disappointments on the writing front (suffice it to say there will be no summer of 2015 book... and I've spent the summer adjusting to that fact). Maybe it's because an actor I loved more than I realized chose to end his life, and broke all of our hearts in the process. Maybe it's because the bad news just seems to be freaking everywhere these days. Beheadings and weird weather patterns and vicious viruses and the untimely loss of the husband of a writer I don't know, but whose work I loved. Her eulogy to her young husband keeps on breaking my heart.

Maybe it's because the start of college and school has broken our bank, and left me feeling broken to boot. Add in a couple of unexpected expenses and we are wrung out. Every year I forget what it takes to get them all back in school-- logistically, financially, emotionally.

And I'm not sure how much more I can take, which brings me to this morning... and tears... and a desperate cry to God, three words I don't utter nearly enough: "I need You." The thing is, I'm not even sure what I need Him for at this point... provision? Yes. Solace? Yes. Control of uncontrollable circumstances? Yes. Inspiration? Yes. I am just... needy. All around.

And so I sit in my quiet house (quiet now that the children are tucked away in school) and I ask for... the thing I don't know I need. The thing I can't name. But I trust that He can name it. And provide it. And that is, I guess, all the faith I can ask for today. It is all the faith I have. But I think it might just be enough.


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6 comments:

Kristy Woodson Harvey said...

I am so sorry for all your trouble, Mary Beth. But such a talented and lovely person is sure to bounce right back from this string of troubles! And it sounds like you're turning in the right direction. Thinking of you and sending happy thoughts your way!!

Angela said...

Marybeth,

I really like your books and am a little bummed you won't have a new one for the summer, but I completely understand. I always know when I start one of your books, I'm not going to have to skim over foul language or sex. Thank you for that!!

I read this post on Goodreads and it has touched me and had to respond. I wish I had something profound to say, but I don't.

Music is very powerful to me and I wanted to share a song with you.

Here is a link. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kdpXlrp9As

I hope you find the comfort you need in the trials you are facing.

Angela

Susan said...

Sending you caring thoughts. May you feel the warmth of God's presence as you move through this difficult time.

Susan

Kelly Clemmons said...

Hi Marybeth,
I was reading your post and feel like I'm right there with you. As I sent my first born to college last week, I feel like I have lost control (or the illusion of it). It's the pain of letting go, the empty wallet, the chaos in our world, and the flood of emotions that come with no warning. There is nothing anyone can say that we don't already tell ourselves, but knowing that you are not along in your struggles is comforting. My heart is with you. I pray that God answers you loud & clear and restores your hope.
Kelly

Jenn said...

It seems as though we do a lot of things at the same time. You fell while running, so did I. You are going through a ton of trials and desperation, so am I. You wrote such real words though. Sometimes it is even hard to know what to pray for or who or how, but one thing that is pretty clear is -- He will provide. Most likely, it will not be in my time, but He will provide. The one thing that I keep hearing Him whisper is, "Be still." Somehow, I still manage to ignore it though....oh well, here we go together again, waiting for Him to provide for us, comfort us and lead us in the right paths. Lifting you up in prayer, my friend.

Stephanie said...

Also sad about the book thing. Buy you know, there is usually a reason for things like that and we may not see it just yet. But God hasn't forgotten us! He knows your name! And I relate, in many ways to what you wrote and laughed out loud when I read ...and there's never enough money (paraphrased)! And once I finished reading your blog I got a text from a distant friend, saying she was praying for me...and I began to cry. I've had a rough patch too and sometimes I cry out yto God for others but not for me. "I need you" is a perfect prayer for me today! Thanks for sharing from your heart!