I am not going to lie, life has felt pretty awful lately. (How's that for a first line after a month of silence?)
As I ran yesterday, I told God how I felt about it-- how it just all feels like too much. It took until this morning until I heard back from Him. He reminded me that in this world I will have trouble. So I asked, "But this much? Really?"
I'll let you know what I hear back. But I suspect I already know the answer.
Yes, this much. This terrible, awful, brutal, unfair world we live in... isn't going to change. Things are going to keep breaking and cost money, and people we love are going to leave us-- by their choice, or not-- and disease is going to be rampant, and time is going to keep whizzing by, and it's going to rain on days we need it to be sunny, and we're going to hear no when we want to hear yes, and there are going to be boring meetings to sit through, and whiny children, and there is never, ever going to be enough money.
The past few weeks have felt especially terrible to me. Maybe it's because summer is ending and that always makes me inordinately sad. Maybe it's because I've had a string of disappointments on the writing front (suffice it to say there will be no summer of 2015 book... and I've spent the summer adjusting to that fact). Maybe it's because an actor I loved more than I realized chose to end his life, and broke all of our hearts in the process. Maybe it's because the bad news just seems to be freaking everywhere these days. Beheadings and weird weather patterns and vicious viruses and the untimely loss of the husband of a writer I don't know, but whose work I loved. Her eulogy to her young husband keeps on breaking my heart.
Maybe it's because the start of college and school has broken our bank, and left me feeling broken to boot. Add in a couple of unexpected expenses and we are wrung out. Every year I forget what it takes to get them all back in school-- logistically, financially, emotionally.
And I'm not sure how much more I can take, which brings me to this morning... and tears... and a desperate cry to God, three words I don't utter nearly enough: "I need You." The thing is, I'm not even sure what I need Him for at this point... provision? Yes. Solace? Yes. Control of uncontrollable circumstances? Yes. Inspiration? Yes. I am just... needy. All around.
And so I sit in my quiet house (quiet now that the children are tucked away in school) and I ask for... the thing I don't know I need. The thing I can't name. But I trust that He can name it. And provide it. And that is, I guess, all the faith I can ask for today. It is all the faith I have. But I think it might just be enough.