Reading: 1ooo Gifts by Ann Voskamp
See that topiary? It sits in my guest bath-- a little kitschy thing I picked up at a craft fair years ago. I think it might be just for Christmas but it matches my decor so I leave it out year-round. I stuck it in our guest bathroom and honestly I didn't think about it very much after that. I hardly ever go in that bathroom, after all. (My kids clean it.)
But recently I noticed something about this topiary. Pieces of the bark-type stuff that is glued to the foam ball had fallen off, leaving an ugly hole. I wondered how many guests in our guest bathroom had seen this less-than-lovely sight? So I did what any self-respecting homemaker would do. I simply turned the topiary around and hid the hole. Good as new.
After I walked out of the bathroom an analogy came to me: about holes and our tendency to want to hide them. My reflexive action of turning the topiary around wasn't even something I thought about. I just wanted things to look nice. Even if they weren't-- I could project the image they were by hiding what was really there. And so it is with lots of things-- the kind of mom I am, the kind of wife I am, the state of our finances, what I really think of certain people, things that happen to me, that hurt me. I figure out as quickly as possible how I can hide those holes.
I think that's what this new direction with my blog is all about-- it's an effort to not hide the holes, to show some of the ugly. But I find I'm still trying to put a pretty face on things. It's my go-to, my reflex. I don't want to tell you that I cuss and I drink and I listen to that rock and roll music (you're supposed to hear the grandparents in Sixteen Candles when you read that). I don't want to tell you that I have some pretty ugly thoughts and urges or that I'm not really a nice person at all. I don't want to be vulnerable about some things that have hurt me recently, have left me reeling and honestly questioning not my faith but the people who purport to share it. I struggle with still wanting to hide those holes.
Because holes? They're unsightly. No one wants to see those... or do they?