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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

What I've Learned This Month (April)


I believe in always learning, always seeking to grow and change, always looking for ways to improve. For these reasons, Emily Freeman's linkup each month is right up my alley. Here's what I've learned in the month of April:





  • As I'm starting over with the publishing process this quote is something I need to remember. All the time. Learned? Published authors are to be admired for their sheer tenacity and thickness of skin. I think it's nearly impossible to be an author and not face rejection in some form. 

  • I value the books I pay for more than the ones I get for free. If I've paid for something, I will be more likely to move it to the top of the list, and actually read it. Learned? We place value in what we pay for. Having some skin in the game, in whatever form, really does make a difference.

  • Taking a break is not always easy. You might find yourself wanting to go back. But you should stick with the time you set and lean into whatever the break will reveal. See it through. And in the process, see whatever you need to see. Learned? The built in break times of the year (lent, Christmas, summer, etc.) provide us with a good excuse. We should take advantage of these excuses.
Yeah, learned this too. I learn this one a lot. 


  • Sometimes we take things out of God's hands. When we realize we've done that, it's good to give it back. Learned? Pray. 

  • Beauty really does invigorate the soul. Spring is a time of renewal not just for nature, but for us too. Breathing in the floral scented air, seeing the trees outfitted with their new green leaves, hearing the birdsong has been so good for me this month. On the bad days my husband quickly learned to say, "Go for a walk. Get outside." The treadmill can't live up to that experience. Learned? When it doubt, or in pain, or in flux, or in blah mode... get outside. 


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Monday, April 27, 2015

Could Vs. Had: A Post For Moms Everywhere




The other night I had the occasion to spend some time with a devoted mother. She was clearly very aware of every nuance of her child's life. As she asked me questions about my son, who is the same age as hers, it was clear that I... wasn't quite as aware. And I have to admit, there were a few minutes there that I felt like the bad mother, that little voice inside my head saying, "See? She knows these things. Why don't you?"

And so, though hopefully no one would realize, I had a little debate in my head between me and myself. And in the end, I realized that I wasn't being fair to myself. Yes this mother-- who has one child-- was far more in tune with her child's life than I-- who have six children-- was. That is a fact. But I was also having this conversation with this mother in order to help my child with something that was important to him. I took time to arrange a meeting and go to it; through my actions I said to my child You Matter. And while I haven't done everything there is to do for this child, I have done what I could.



This got me to thinking. When my children are all grown up and their raising is "in the books" so to speak (though I know that point never really gets reached) what do I want to be able to say to them? What can I say with confidence and certainty? And here's what I arrived at: I want to be able to say I gave all I could. But there's a flip side to that statement. I don't want to say I gave all I had.

To me one of those statements is reasonable. The other is exhausting. One is restorative. The other is depleting. One breeds goodwill. The other breeds resentment. I gave all I could means as a mother I took in my own personality, my own limits, my own interests, my own desires. I kept my marriage above my kids. I remembered I was a person before these little people came into my life and I will be a person after they wing their way into the future God has for them. I made sacrifices, yes. But I kept some things that were still just mine, just for me.

I gave all I had means as a mother I spent and spent and spent, sowing into my kids with no regard for me, leading to exhaustion, depletion and resentment. Giving all you have means you've somehow equated performance with worth, forgotten your own happiness in the name of theirs. And the danger there is that eventually all this martyr stuff will catch up with you. If not now, then later when they turn to teens who no longer think you hung the moon, or even later when they, according to plan, leave.



Of course there will be times-- seasons-- when you by necessity give all you have. Illness, newborns, special needs situations and other issues come to mind. That is not what I am talking about here. I am talking about the daily flux of motherhood. And the way that these people (kids) will take whatever we give them. And we get to decide just how much that is.

Here are some examples:


  • Giving over control of the car radio to them. Listening to music you don't want to listen to in order to make them happy. Who's driving? Shouldn't the driver enjoy the ride more than anyone? 



  • Not going on dates because they don't want you to leave them. 



  • Participating in sports leagues and sacrificing entire weekends for the whole family in order to attend game after game. (If your child is a prodigy and this is a sincere investment in their future, go for it. But if they're mediocre and you're just out there because it's what everyone else does well...)



  • Functioning as a short order cook in order to provide food everyone at the table likes. 



  • Scrambling around to provide something they need because they forgot to give you adequate warning. 



  • Forgetting that they won't remember every detail of their childhood, and that includes all those sacrifices and efforts you made. And making decisions accordingly. Sometimes good enough is just that. 



  • Not taking time to do the things we love(d) to do, invest in friendships, or just be alone for a bit. Without feeling guilty about it. 


I'm not saying any one of these things from time to time is bad (Lord knows I've done them), but to ask yourself just how often you are doing these things and, more important, how you feel when you do? If you feel blessed and rewarded and called and validated, then keep doing what you're doing. But if you feel stressed and strung out and your blood is reaching a slow simmer, maybe rethink your approach. You might be giving all you have instead of all you can. (And if you need permission to stop the madness, consider this just that.)



And I'm also not writing this as an excuse to be neglectful and call it "taking care of you." Your kids need you. You. Not a sitter, not a chauffeur, not a cook. They need your eyes on them. They need your voice speaking to them. They need your arms around them. They need your applause, your affirmation, your validation. They need to hear You Matter from you. Your role is important and the balance must be struck. You still have to show up, put the time in, make the effort. You can't outsource parenting and you shouldn't.

But you can create boundaries that allow for both you and them.

Giving all you can is, to me, the healthy way to mother. Giving all you have is dangerous. Because the point of motherhood is to work your way out of a job. And if you've given all you have then that will mean there is no you left. Giving all you could means you preserved some bit of yourself, even if it's just the smallest fraction that you can build on as you have the space and time to do so. Recognize your limits. Regard your feelings. And go from there, in freedom. Give all you can. But beware of giving all you have. It's a subtle distinction, but an important one.


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Friday, April 24, 2015

The Age Of Adaline (review)


I will admit that I hadn't heard anything about this movie when I got invited to attend a preview. I almost said no because of that, but then I decided to watch the trailer. (Below) And it drew me in and made me decide to go see it. I was astonished when my husband said he thought it looked good and he wanted to go. What? But ok. A date night it was.



First we went to Dean and Deluca near the movie theater and had salads. My salad was laden with all the things I love-- artichoke hearts and grilled chicken and kalamata olives and tomatoes and carrots and cucumbers and-- oh yeah-- lettuce, topped off with a delicious sesame vinaigrette dressing. It was one of the best salads I've ever had. If you've never had a make your own Dean and Deluca salad and you have one near you, what are you waiting for?? Treat yourself to one asap! But I digress. This is not a post about salads. It's about this new movie that is out today.

After we ate, we went to the movie, which was... not the best date movie we've ever been to. It was just a bit too girly for my husband. I'm not sure what he thought it was going to be but... it wasn't whatever that was. I think he thought there'd be more history involved? More science fiction uncovery of why this woman never ages? More chase scenes? It was none of that. So I kept looking over to make sure he was awake. And to his credit he stayed awake for all of it.

Here are a couple of random thoughts on the movie if you're considering seeing it:

It is a love story of several things-- yes love of course-- but also of dogs, and the city of San Francisco, and aging. In a youth-obsessed culture it was refreshing to see aging approached as something to be desired. If we stay young forever how will we ever experience the full scope of life seemed to be the story's throughline. And it was a point well-made. I liked that. And it did make me think.

But...

I did not find the love interest attractive and I think that affected my ability to get swept into the love story. Blake Lively was, to me, far more lovely than he was handsome. This is me, showing my age. But that's ok because I learned from the movie that age is a good thing.

Also?

Some of the plot lines seemed contrived.

And?

Blake Lively's breathy voice got on my nerves.

But-- but!-- I do not think I am the target market for this film. I think the two twentysomething girls sitting next to me with their salads on their laps and their big hoodie sweatshirts-- who bawled their eyes out through the last twenty minutes of the movie-- are the target market. And judging from their reaction, the movie should do pretty well.

So if you fall in the target market-- or know someone who does-- send them to this movie this weekend. But if you don't then proceed with caution. And you probably shouldn't take your husband if he likes a lot of action-- and the occasional gun-- in his cinema experience.



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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

What Worked For Me This Week


On Wednesdays I try to share things that made life easier or better. Here's the list this week: 


These shoes. They are by Sperry and I have no idea what they are called but they're kind of like espadrilles or Tom's. So easy to slip on and go. And that's what I've been doing nearly every day. The neutral color means they go with pretty much everything and they definitely match my usual "jeans and tee shirt" errand uniform. They were a little pricier than my usual flip flop but I can definitely say I'm getting my money's worth I wear them so much. They're kinda boring mom shoes but I love them.  Because let's face it, I am a boring mom. 


Finding and appreciating the beauty of spring. Whether it's on my long walks or right beside my back door (like this azalea), I've been trying to really soak in and savor the gorgeousness of spring. 


Refrigerating some leftover homemade cake frosting (because why would I let that go to waste?), then later buying some plain sugar cookies at the grocery store and letting my 9yo go to town with decorating them. She had a blast and the family enjoyed partaking in her handiwork afterwards. 


Taking my oldest to a Women's National Book Association event at our local indie bookstore. That's not how it started out-- he just said he'd meet me beforehand so we could have dinner around the corner from the event. After we finished eating I told him to at least come up and meet a few of my friends who had never met him. And he totally surprised me and ended up staying. That's him on the right with authors David Joy (Where All Light Tends To Go) and Leigh Ann Henion (Phenomenal). And yes, he did talk me into buying him David's book. And what mom can resist a kid-- no matter how old-- who wants to read?



I am a teensy weensy bit hooked on these right now. I am sure they are bad for me (don't tell me!) but you would not believe the amount of water I am willing to drink if these things are involved! So. Good. And only 5 calories a packet! 

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Monday, April 20, 2015

Why I Don't Have My Favorite Songs on my iPod (Or, Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder)


Into The Mystic by Van Morrison is one of my all-time favorite songs. And, for a time, I had it on my iPod. Because, you know, iPods are the receptacles of all your favorite songs, right?

Except. Turns out, for me, they're not.

Sometimes the songs we love the best aren't the ones we should have accessible at all times. Sometimes the songs we love should be the things we happen upon, the things that are precious because of how rare they are. Sometimes happening upon our favorite song on the radio or hearing it piped through the speakers in the grocery store can feel like magic. In the midst of our ordinary, the right song at the right time can feel downright holy.

I took Into The Mystic off my iPod and decided for it to wait to come to me when I needed to hear it most.

And so I am sharing the video today, because it's Monday. And it rained all weekend in my neck of the woods. And it's a new week full of possibility, and also, responsibility. And we could all use a bit of magic, courtesy of Van Morrison:



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Friday, April 17, 2015

What I've Been Reading


I am linking up to Modern Mrs Darcy's Quick Lit roundup today.

First of all my apologies for being gone so much longer than I planned. When I set the date of my return to blogging, I wasn't thinking about spring break following the end of Lent. We went on a quick trip to the beach while the kids were out of school and, upon returning from that and getting back into the swing of school again, life has been crazy.

But I'm back now, and plan to return more consistently next week.

For my return post, here's what I've been reading lately. I've got some good books to share!

Gods In Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson: Anyone who knows me knows I love Joshilyn's writing. This was the only book I hadn't read by her and I think I was kind of hanging onto it because I didn't want to be done with her books. (At least until the next one's out.) But one day I decided to read it, and 24 hours later, I was done. This one was every bit as good as the others and I highly recommend it. 




For 10 years Arlene has kept her promises, and God has kept His end of the bargain. Until now. When an old schoolmate from Possett turns up at Arlene's door in Chicago asking questions about Jim Beverly, former quarterback and god of Possett High, Arlene's break with her former hometown is forced to an end. At the same time, Burr, her long-time boyfriend, has raised an ultimatum: introduce him to her family or consider him gone. Arlene loves him dearly but knows her lily white (not to mention deeply racist)Southern Baptist family will not understand her relationship with an African American boyfriend. Reluctantly, Arlene bows to the pressure, and she and Burr embark on the long-avoided road trip back home. As Arlene digs through guilt and deception, her patched-together alibi begins to unravel, and she discovers how far she will go for love and a chance at redemption.


My Sunshine Away by MO Walsh: I listened to this one on audio and, while I didn't love the narrator, I loved the story. It will definitely make my top ten list for this year. 



"My Sunshine Away" unfolds in a Baton Rouge neighborhood best known for cookouts on sweltering summer afternoons, cauldrons of spicy crawfish, and passionate football fandom. But in the summer of 1989, when fifteen-year-old Lindy Simpson--free spirit, track star, and belle of the block--experiences a horrible crime late one evening near her home, it becomes apparent that this idyllic stretch of Southern suburbia has a dark side, too.
In "My Sunshine Away," M.O. Walsh brilliantly juxtaposes the enchantment of a charmed childhood with the gripping story of a violent crime, unraveling families, and consuming adolescent love. Acutely wise and deeply honest, it is an astonishing and page-turning debut about the meaning of family, the power of memory, and our ability to forgive.
 


Home Is Where My People Are by Sophie Hudson: This memoir about what home means, what it's like to grow up southern, and the power of friendship. Oh, and it's really funny. 



All roads lead to home. It's easy to go through life believing that we can satisfy our longing for home with a three-bedroom, two-bath slice of the American dream that we mortgage at 4 percent and pay for over the course of thirty years. But ultimately, in our deepest places, we're really looking to belong and to be known. And what we sometimes miss in our search for the perfect spot to set up camp is that wherever we are on the long and winding road of life, God is at work in the journey, teaching us, shaping us, and refining us--sometimes through the most unlikely people and circumstances. In "Home Is Where My People Are," Sophie Hudson takes readers on a delightfully quirky journey through the South, introducing them to an unforgettable cast of characters, places, and experiences. Along the way, she reflects on how God has used each of the stops along the road to impart timeless spiritual wisdom and truth. Nobody embodies the South like Sophie Hudson, and this nostalgic celebration of home is sure to make even those north of the Mason-Dixon line long to settle in on the front porch with a glass of sweet tea and reflect on all of the people in our lives who--related or not--have come to represent home. Because at the end of the day, it's not the address on the front door or even the name on the mailbox that says home, but the people who live and laugh and love there, wherever "there" might happen to be.


Those Girls by Chevy Stevens: this one is an advance reader copy of a book coming out this summer. It's gripping and gritty. Chevy Stevens' female characters are so much tougher than me! 



Life has never been easy for the three Campbell sisters. Jess, Courtney, and Dani live on a remote ranch in Western Canada where they work hard and try to stay out of the way of their father’s fists. One night, a fight gets out of hand and the sisters are forced to go on the run, only to get caught in an even worse nightmare when their truck breaks down in a small town. Events spiral out of control and a chance encounter with the wrong people leaves them in a horrific and desperate situation. They are left with no choice but to change their names and create new lives. 

Eighteen years later, they are still trying to forget what happened that summer when one of the sisters goes missing and they are pulled back into their past. 

This time there’s nowhere left to run. 

As much of a thriller as it is a deep exploration of the bonds among sisters, THOSE GIRLS is an unforgettable portrait of desperation, loyalty, and evil.


Where They Found Her by Kimberly McCreight: I just started this one-- but I've been waiting for it to come out for months. Can't wait to really dig in. 



From the author of the New York Times bestseller and 2014 Edgar and Anthony nominee Reconstructing Amelia comes another harrowing, gripping novel that marries psychological suspense with an emotionally powerful story about a community struggling with the consequences of a devastating discovery.

At the end of a long winter, in bucolic Ridgedale, New Jersey, the body of an infant is discovered in the woods near the town’s prestigious university campus. No one knows who the baby is, or how her body ended up out there. But there is no shortage of opinions. 

When freelance journalist, and recent Ridgedale transplant, Molly Anderson is unexpectedly called upon to cover the story for the Ridegdale Reader, it’s a risk, given the severe depression that followed the loss of her own baby. But the bigger threat comes when Molly unearths some of Ridgedale’s darkest secrets, including a string of unreported sexual assaults that goes back twenty years. 

Meanwhile, Sandy, a high school dropout, searches for her volatile and now missing mother, and PTA president Barbara struggles to help her young son, who’s suddenly having disturbing outbursts. 

Told from the perspectives of Molly, Barbara, and Sandy, Kimberly McCreight’s taut and profoundly moving novel unwinds the tangled truth about the baby’s death revealing that these three women have far more in common than they realized. And that their lives are more intertwined with what happened to the baby than they ever could have imagined.



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